MINDFUL FRIENDSHIPS

Surround Yourself with People Who Inspire your Best self

But I Don’t Like People: Breaking Old Judgments

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

– Wayne W. Dyer

It’s easy to dislike certain types of people. Often, the people you dislike have hurt you or someone you love. As a result, you become biased. You might say, “I don’t like doctors. They’re so arrogant! I hate church people. They’re all hypocrites.”

It’s a normal part of the human experience to like some people and not like other people. If you’ve lived long or if you’ve experienced a lot of difficulty in relationships, you may have a whole list of different types of people you don’t like. This can make it easy to judge people based on how you think they’ll act or what you suspect they’ll say.

Are You Afraid of Differences?

The problem is that these biases can prevent potential friendships before they even have a chance to start. You might look at someone and say, “She reminds me of Emma. There’s no way I could be friends with her.”

Sometimes our dislikes are formed because we fear someone who is different from us. Maybe you’ve decided you don’t like Democrats or Republicans. Maybe you’ve said that the millennial generation is a bunch of entitled whiners. Maybe you think that baby boomers are judgmental know-it-alls.

Are You Always on Guard?

“Challenge Yourself to see past labels”

In some cases, you may have formed judgments to protect yourself. For example, maybe you shared a deeply personal story with someone who gossiped about you later. It would be understandable if you said, “I can’t be vulnerable like that again.”

But closing yourself off from support makes it hard to heal. If you’re rejecting people based on what someone else did, you have no room to grow. You’re denying yourself the comfort that comes from a community that longs to wrap its arms around you. It’s not about hurting the people around you. You’re hurting yourself.

If you want to change your life and invite kind, supportive people into it, you have to be willing to do something different. That means suspending judgment and giving people a chance to show you who they are. Don’t be afraid to open your heart to someone new.

Are You Willing to Lower Your Drawbridge?

This doesn’t mean you have to let everyone into your inner circle within five minutes of meeting them. Think of your heart like a castle. Some people open the drawbridge and let anyone come walking into their lives. Some people close their drawbridge and never invite another soul in.

But you don’t have to choose between those two extremes. There’s a third option – lower your drawbridge just a tiny bit. The people who care about you and genuinely want to be your friend will wait patiently for you to lower your drawbridge and let them in.  These are the types of good people you should try to surround yourself with.

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. What types of people do you avoid? What do you think about these people?
  2. What happened the last time you let someone in? What did you learn from this experience?
  3. Who in your life are you avoiding right now because of a past bias?

Recognizing Negative Friends

Sometimes, it’s easy to recognize a friend who’s having a negative impact on your life. It might be the friend that constantly mooches from you or the friend that wants every conversation to be focused on her.

But some negative friendships are subtler. It’s the quiet put-down at the end of your funny story or the unsolicited fashion advice when you try a new shirt. It can be the “jokes” about your weight loss attempts or the digs about your new dating profile.

It feels like every attempt to better your life is met with disapproval. You want to try out for the new position that opened at your dream company. But your friend tells you that you’ll end up disappointed when it doesn’t happen. You want to go back to school so you can earn your degree. But your friend insists that you don’t have the time or money to pursue it.

“Do Your Friends Encourage You?”

The Two Types of Negative Friends

Most negative friends fall into two categories. The first is the “Debbie Downer” friend. She tends to have a negative attitude about everything. There’s always a way she can nitpick, automatically looking for the downside no matter how many things are going well in your life.

Your “Debbie Downer” friend’s negativity isn’t usually personal. She sees the world through a negative lens and shares that view with you. She may call herself a “realist” but she’s far more of a cynic than she knows.

The second type is the “Safe Sally” friend. She knows you so well she doesn’t expect anything new from you. She wants you to play small and stay where you are. If you express an interest in doing something new or different, she points out all the ways it could go wrong. Deep down, the “Safe Sally” friend cares about you and this is where her concern stems from.

Bruce Wilkinson, the author of The Dream Giver, calls these people our “dream police”. She means well, but she wants you safe. The problem is your best self isn’t going to develop in a safe place. Your best self is going to develop in a place where you’re called to be courageous.

“Be Intentional with your friendships”

Two Options for Dealing with Negative Friends

You’ve recognized that a friend is a “Debbie Downer” or a “Safe Sally”. But now you’re left wondering what to do. With “Debbie Downer”, it’s best to stop listening to your negative friend. Don’t get sucked into their negativity or drama. You can do this by reducing the amount of time you spend with them. This doesn’t mean you have to cut Debbie out of your life. You’re just limiting her influence over you.

But what about “Safe Sally”? Often, she just needs to be reassured that her opinion matters and reminded that you’re working to follow your dreams. As time goes on, she may get on-board with you and show her support in surprising ways.

Mindful friendships are intentional friendships. You want to fill your life with friends that support you and believe in your dreams.

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Take the time to evaluate your friendships. Which ones feel like they’re adding to your life and which ones feel like they’re subtracting from it?
  2. Is there a friend you’re afraid to share your dreams with? Is she more of a “Debbie Downer” or a “Safe Sally”?
  3. How can you encourage one of your friends to better her life?

Awesome People Want to Know You

Many people spend their lives in the same circle of family and friends. But if you’re going to stretch outside your comfort zone and try new things, you’re going to meet new people. You’ll want to surround yourself with new people that share your goals and interests.

You’re Not an Outsider

“Put yourself out there and connect with people”

When you first go to a new place or try a new thing, it’s easy to think that everyone there knows each other. For example, you’re trying to lose weight and you join a gym in your area. It would be easy to come into the first fitness class and assume the other participants have always been friends and there’s no room for you.

You may even think the group is a clique and feel like you’re on the outside. For some people, this can trigger feelings that you’re back in high school, trying to impress the popular kids. While these feelings are normal, they’re not necessarily accurate.

The truth is cool people who are trying new things are always interested in other people that are doing the same thing. Just like you, the other participants in your fitness class are stretching outside of their comfort zone, too.

Often, other people are as curious about you as you are about them. From her perspective, another participant thinks that you look like a cool person doing something new. She feels nervous about saying “hi” or starting up a conversation, too.

Get Outside Your Head

The biggest mistake you can make when trying something new is to spend the whole time in your head. Focus on reaching out to other people around you. Compliment someone else’s shoes or ask where they found that dress.

Don’t do this with an agenda. Simply show interest in those around you and ask questions. You can ask where someone works, how they got started in their chosen profession or hobby, what their plans are for the future.

Avoid asking too many questions right in a row. It can make other people feel like they’re being quizzed. Instead, ask a question and pause for a response. Sometimes, the person you’re talking to will ask you the same or a different question in return. Sometimes, the conversation will take a different direction after your question but don’t fret. Just go with it.

“Make new friends while doing new things”

Focus on Relationship

If you’re at a professional function, it can be easy to make your conversations all about your business. But people won’t care about your business until they feel you care about them.

So focus on making friends. Maybe invite the other person to share a meal with you or go out to coffee together. Be open to being socially connected before you are professionally connected in some way.

As you get involved in new activities and pursue new goals, don’t try to go solo. Get to know other people around you. Take an interest in their lives and look for potential friendships that you can nurture. You never know where these new relationships will lead.

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. When you’re in a new situation and you don’t know anyone else, what do you usually think?
  2. Do these thoughts help you connect with new people or do they hinder you? Why?
  3. What are some positive thoughts you could think that would motivate you to reach out to someone else? (e.g. “This place is filled with friends I haven’t met yet!” or “I want to encourage three people at this event.”)

Finding a Mastermind Group

A mastermind group is a gathering of people who share a similar goal or hobbies. One of the most well-known mastermind groups were The Knights of the Round Table. This was a gathering of warriors King Arthur created to keep Camelot safe and every knight shared his goal. Together, they worked to build a kingdom that was fair and just for everyone.

Whether you’re interested in a hobby or running a business, you can benefit from having a mastermind group. You’ll be surrounded by people that want to help you succeed and cheer you on. Depending on the mastermind, your group may set goals together, brainstorm solutions to problems, and give feedback on members’ projects.

If you like the idea of a mastermind, here are a few tips to help you find one:

“Embrace New People & Grow Together”

Know What You Want

Are you looking for a group that offers plenty of feedback? Do you want introductions to other people that will help you grow your business? Do you need accountability to ensure you meet your goals?

Before you begin your search, take the time to think about what you really want. Doing this will help you find a mastermind that fits your goals.

Consider Meeting Times

Some mastermind groups meet in person while others meet online. Your mastermind group may gather each week or once a month depending on what members prefer. If you’re already overwhelmed with commitments then it may not be possible for you to meet weekly for several hours. That’s why you should ask about the meeting schedule before you join a group.

“If you’re rejecting people based on what someone else did, you have no room to grow”

Ask about Cost

Some mastermind groups are free and some require members to pay to join. Often, free groups are common with hobbyists. But if you’re looking for a business or financial mastermind, be prepared to pay. That doesn’t mean that the group you join has to be expensive or exclusive.

The cost of the membership fee is not always equal to the value that you’ll receive. For example, you might pay just a few dollars each month for a small mastermind where you get excellent feedback on your projects and plenty of accountability to propel you toward your goals.

Understand What You’re Paying For

When you pay to join a mastermind, the money will go toward the facilitator. She’s the one who’s putting in the time and effort to organize and co-ordinate your group. Without a facilitator, your group will most likely fall apart after a few meetings. That’s why you should take a hard look at your facilitator. A good one is always worth the cost.

Start Your Own Mastermind

If you can’t find a mastermind group that meets your needs, you can always start your own. This might be a good fit if you have a passion for helping people in your niche. You don’t have to be an expert before you become a facilitator. You don’t even have to leave your house if you don’t want to. You can arrange meetings by Skype, on a webinar, or through video conferencing software.

Joining a mastermind is a great way to meet people who share the same goals and interests as you do. But keep in mind you’ll only get out of it as much as you put into it. Be willing to help other members and encourage them when needed.

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Have you ever considered joining a mastermind? What’s keeping you from joining one right now?
  2. What would you like to get out of a mastermind group?
  3. Who do you know that could recommend a good mastermind for your hobby or business?

Choosing a Mentor for the Season You’re In

Putting yourself in the position to meet new people is a wonderful way to grow. As you have the opportunity to connect with potential friends, you may meet someone who inspires you and motivates you to become the best version of yourself. If you think this person would be a good mentor for you, then follow the tips below.

“Seek out teachers and mentors that challenge you to think for yourself and guide you to find your own voice”
– Renee Olstead

Ask What Your (Potential) Mentor Has

You need to define exactly what it is that this person has that you want in your own life. When you look at her, you say, “I want what she’s got. She has wonderful friends. She’s pursuing work she loves. She’s traveling every month.”

Or you might say, “She’s spending time with his family. She’s spending time playing the sport I love. She’s a successful community leader. He cares about what’s happening in the world.”

Study Your Mentor

Once you’ve identified what your mentor has that you’d like to create in your own life, it’s time to get to work. Start by observing your potential mentor in action. Figure out what it is they’re doing differently and try to implement that in your own life.

If your mentor is always booked solid, look at what she’s doing to attract clients. If your mentor speaks at national conferences, get the MP3 version of her speeches and listen to them. If she launches products that become best-sellers, pay attention to how she writes her sales copy.

Be Direct and Make that Request

Once you’ve learned all you can from observation, it’s time to go for the direct request. Ask about meeting for coffee or a conversation. Keep your invitation casual. You might say, “I admire the way you run your business. Is there any way I could meet with you and ask a few questions?”

Some mentors will say, “yes” and they’ll mentor you for the joy of investing in someone else’s life. But some mentors won’t do that. They get so many requests to help others that they have to charge for their time. This is known as coaching. You’ll have to count the cost and decide if you’re ready to pay for these services.

Offer to Barter

If you can’t afford to pay a coach, you might want to consider bartering. You could offer to be an intern for a few months in exchange for a few coaching sessions. If you already have some experience in the industry and know what you’re doing, you could offer to form a joint venture partnership with this coach. This gives you a chance to learn from your mentor while still bringing value to the agreement.

Set a Timeline

A mentorship or coaching arrangement shouldn’t be open-ended. It needs to have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Make sure you both understand the agreement clearly. A simple email is enough to spell out the terms. You might say, “I’ve agreed to intern with you for six months. At the end of those six months, you’ve agreed to give me six coaching calls spaced out over an additional six months.”

Keep in mind that you might move from one mentor to another. As you grow and learn more about yourself, you may find you need certain skills or perspectives. If that happens, don’t be afraid to reach out to a new mentor.

Being mindful of your friendships means knowing what you want and choosing it intentionally. Don’t just fall into relationships—if all your friends are your friends because you work with them, then that’s not intentional. That doesn’t mean that work friends can’t be really good friends. But as you pursue mindful friendships, don’t be surprised when friends come from unusual places and bring great joy into your life.

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Have you worked with a mentor before? What was the experience like?
  2. Who do you have in your life right now that you’d like to become your mentor?
  3. What could you barter with a mentor in exchange for some coaching? (e.g. “I have content marketing skills so I can create blog content for a mentor.” or “I have design skills so I can create graphics for my mentor’s business.”)

“Your best self is going to develop in a place where you’re called to be courageous”

 

Mindful Friendships: Surround Yourself With People Who Inspire Your Best Self Workbook

Now, it’s time to dig deep and learn more about yourself. Try to find a quiet place so you can spend some time reflecting on the questions. Share your honest thoughts here – there’s no judgment or right answer. You are free to journal, brainstorm, and doodle in this space.

[From: But I Don’t Like People: Breaking Old Judgments]

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. What types of people do you avoid? What do you think about these people?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. What happened the last time you let someone in? What did you learn from this experience?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. Who in your life are you avoiding right now because of a past bias?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

[From: Recognizing Negative Friends]

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Take the time to evaluate your friendships. Which ones feel like they’re adding to your life and which ones feel like they’re subtracting from it?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. Is there a friend you’re afraid to share your dreams with? Is she more of a “Debbie Downer” or a “Safe Sally”?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. How can you encourage one of your friends to better her life?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

[From: Awesome People Want to Know You]

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. When you’re in a new situation and you don’t know anyone else, what do you usually think?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. Do these thoughts help you connect with new people or do they hinder you? Why?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. What are some positive thoughts you could think that would motivate you to reach out to someone else? (e.g. “This place is filled with friends I haven’t met yet!” or “I want to encourage three people at this event.”)

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

[From: Finding a Mastermind Group]

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Have you ever considered joining a mastermind? What’s keeping you from joining one right now?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. What would you like to get out of a mastermind group?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. Who do you know that could recommend a good mastermind for your hobby or business?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

[From: Choosing a Mentor for the Season You’re In]

Journal Your Thoughts

  1. Have you worked with a mentor before? What was the experience like?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. Who do you have in your life right now that you’d like to become your mentor?

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

  1. What could you barter with a mentor in exchange for some coaching? (e.g. “I have content marketing skills so I can create blog content for a mentor.” or “I have design skills so I can create graphics for my mentor’s business.”)